What happens when I add hashtags

So my last post was about food, and it had a couple eating disorder tags. I ended up getting some spam accounts liking my post – spam accounts pushing weight loss.

Great.

It gave me an idea – how many spam likes could I get if I had a post that was primarily tags? Let’s find out!

 

Advertisements

Grits shouldn’t have sugar in them

Nor should cornbread. And not everything needs cheese. Examples of two things that do not need cheese: cornbread and grits. Cornbread and grits do not need sugar and/or cheese. Blasphemy.

Food is tied in with identity, as is the case of my insistence that grits and cornbread needn’t have sugar in them. My husband begs to differ on the grits and made me try grits with sugar in them the other day. He made the argument that was how it was done when he was stationed in Georgia many years ago, which was to counter the argument that I spent my summers with family in Tennessee when I was growing up and was not taught to add sugar to grits. We have had this disagreement for several years. I finally agreed to try them. They tasted like a five year old crushed up stale kettle corn in a bowl of water and squished it all together with tiny fingers. To each their own, I guess.

A lot of rules about food come from broader culture, faith traditions, and family norms. Food keeps us alive, food keeps us connected. Food is ritualistic and communal – wedding cakes, barbecues, Thanksgiving dinners, and potlucks. Rules for a particular food can vary by region, like sugar and grits (Which admittedly is no less Southern as grits without sugar, it just happens to be gross). Food has a funny way of bringing people together.

Except people who more or less don’t feel togetherness don’t often bond over food. Food-prominent events are at best awkward and at worst prompting events for self-destructive behavior. There is no quick advice for these people that hasn’t already been heard a million times over. Cope ahead, positive/rational self-talk, just eat anyway and don’t hate yourself for it, stay in the moment, etc. etc. Not bad advice, just won’t fix anything in the long-term.

Do Your Best, Just Don’t Hurt Yourself

On a semi-regular…er, once a week or so… basis, one of many clients will refer to me as a hypocrite. Sometimes directly, sometimes indirectly. I’ve had weeks when I’ve worked six days straight. I have been known to drink too much coffee in order to offset lack of sleep. And I can be very focused on removing those little fringes from torn sheets of notebook paper.

Here’s the thing. I am a happy person, I have self-esteem, I love my family, I love my little spot in suburbia, and I love my job. People who end up in my office have some combination of unhappy, worthless core beliefs, self-injury, have difficulty forming valued relationships, feel disconnected, hate others, cling to others, restrict their eating, are anxious, and yes I could continue.

Perfectionism is almost like a cute beauty mark with a biopsy indicating it’s a malignant tumor in need of treatment. Fine on the surface while it festers, but eventually it’s going to become blatantly obvious to everyone it’s a problem. The plus to perfectionism is that treatment is more about hanging on to what works – such as achievement – and learning to let go of what doesn’t work – harsh self-appraisal, self-punishment, etc.

So when is perfectionism helpful?

When it’s adaptive perfectionism (some researchers refer to it as conscientiousness). Adaptive perfectionism is all of that great perfectionism you know and love – grades, promotions, goals, beauty, “doing the right thing,” competitive spirit, sense of accomplishment, and more – without all of the self-loathing, insecurity, and at times life-threatening behavior. We call that stuff maladaptive perfectionism.

How does you know when you’re engaging in adaptive vs maladaptive perfectionism?

One being able to accept disappointment if things do not go as planned, and not viewing these events as some sort of confirmation of inferiority. Maybe the Easter ham was overcooked. Maybe you failed an exam. Maybe you bought the wrong socks for your partner. It happens.

Another is something I’ve seen in my practice is how perfectionists motivate themselves. It often has a moral tone to it. Recurrent themes include a sense of responsibility to others (and objects in those with Hoarding Disorder) and being worthwhile to friends, family, or peers. People may criticize themselves or ritualistically engage in self-injury in order to punish themselves when they do not meet their very high standards. Those engaging in adaptive perfectionism do not do this or are at least in the process of challenging these thoughts and behaviors when they occur. They use more positive reinforcement with themselves, such as tangible rewards for a job well done or use of cheerleading statements.

Ultimately, adaptive perfectionism meets the goals of perfectionism: being the best possible and feeling good about it. Perfectionism can be broken down into subcategories, which is for another blog post.

I’m sold on the idea of adaptive perfectionism, but I’m skeptical about my ability to change.

Which is normal. The plus is that Cognitive Behavior Therapy, CBT for short (That therapy the dusting, straightening yours truly uses), is helpful for maladaptive perfectionism. CBT teaches perfectionists to challenge their thinking, practice self-kindness, and improve efficiency.

Another promising treatment is Radically Open Dialectical Behavior Therapy, or RO-DBT for short. It isn’t widespread, though that will likely change when more clinicians are trained.

Alright, I will give it a shot.

Contact Cortney Modelewski at 269-389-0402 or cortney@cortneymodelewski.com

More Political Commentary

Not long ago, I made a bold political statement: “Just for the love of all that is holy, make sure people have access to mental healthcare.” I swore I wouldn’t get political again, that I would stick to blogging about bits and pieces of research, talking about myself, maybe throw in some cat pictures. But I can’t keep my mouth shut about this one. Brace yourselves.

Slut-shaming is wrong.

Period.

Melania Trump’s portrait is all the Internet buzz today. Much criticism of the photo is related to the extent to which the photo was edited. However, it wouldn’t be an ordinary day without the Internet making derogatory comments. Topics include:

  • Something about modeling in the 90’s.
  • Previous experience in the pornography industry. (Didn’t happen as far as I know)
  • Adolescent masturbation.
  • Nude photos.
  • Oh what a terrible person for having had pictures taken in minimal clothing for money.

Mrs. Trump had a successful modeling career. She married someone who was later elected President of the United States. A lot of people do not like her husband. Not liking the president does not make it okay to slut-shame his wife. Not liking her doesn’t mean it’s okay to engage in that type of behavior, either.

Women are frequently on the receiving end of slut-shaming, but it’s not uncommon in other genders as well. People’s obsession with sex extends to the sexual “morality” of others, and those who have different values need to be removed from the group immediately. Calling a person [insert slang for prostitute here] is a quick way to oust an undesirable. It’s also hurtful, degrading, and completely unnecessary.

Regardless of who you are, who you have loved, and what you have done in the past, present, and will do in the future, being slut-shamed is unacceptable.

 

 

I put things off

This is awesome: Why Procrastinators Procrastinate

I think it’s true for many procrastinators. Though I found it didn’t entirely reflect my procrastination experiences, because hey, we’re all different and what not. That said, I don’t think my experiences are particularly unique.

I procrastinate. Sometimes for hours, sometimes days. In college and grad school, weeks. Feedback on my work in college included such gems as:

“The paper is still warm from the printer.”

“I would not have guessed you had written this in forty-five minutes.”

“Great Job! 100%”

It was the 100% assignments that kept me afloat throughout school. And reinforced the procrastination to a degree.

Overall, procrastination was a means of avoiding work. Very aversive work.

chart

 

It didn’t seem to make a difference whether or not I started assignments the day assigned or the night before they were due – my thoughts were still a distorted train wreck. So I put things off – I wasn’t exactly going to rush into self-deprecation and misery.

Things improved when I was no longer in college, when what is now considered important is incredibly different than what was. Things also improved when I figured out how to work without the thought train wreck  РI learned to change my thinking.

 

 

 

No, I’m not trying to lose weight

My husband and I went to an event where we live on New Year’s Eve with our seven year-old daughter. My husband made a comment about walking around enough to burn off calories from eating Christmas candy. Daughter didn’t get the joke. I quickly said, “I’ll explain it later” and told her to enjoy her elephant ear. Of course when we got home to watch the ball drop, everyone in Times Square was crowned with a Planet Fitness ad. She didn’t get that one, either, but was more interested in getting into pajamas at that point in the evening.

By Sunday afternoon, the ratio of fitness goals to political discussions on my Facebook feed has skewed to the former. The inauguration will come right around the time people ditch their resolutions, so that will change by the end of the month. There may be a slight upswing in dieting when Lent starts, but it will die off soon enough.

Except for some people. For some the pursuit of perfect eating and perfect body doesn’t stop easily. Much of eating disorders is biology – more than most people realize – but New Year’s resolutions are a delightful environmental factor.

I didn’t make any resolutions. So no, I’m not trying to lose weight. Nor will I be trying to help anyone do so.

 

The Day After Christmas and This Book I’m Reading

The cover of the book I’m reading has a picture of someone cutting grass with a pair of scissors. It’s called Cognitive-Behavioral Treatment of Perfectionism, and it has the most amusing cover of any¬† clinical book I’ve read to date. The content is not particularly humorous, but it’s interesting.

Reading the section on the causes of perfectionism prompted my mind to go back to Monday, when I was having talking to my dad about cloned lifeforms, identity, family skeletons that paraded out of that closet years ago, and personality traits. And a slew of other things, but the personality discussion sticks out. My dad and I tend to be competitive and tend to make it a point to focus energy on things in which we are skilled at. We differ in that my dad used to be impulsive – things change with age – and I am not.

At all.

Avoiding risk isn’t entirely an anxiety thing with me – it’s lack of interest. I just don’t find impulsive behavior appealing. I can put off enjoyable things for extended periods of time. My idea of a good time after work is looking at pictures of cats on the Internet. I’m not sure if I can explain it any better than just saying meh.

Nature and nurture is a funny thing.